Which Parenting Style Works Best: Controlling or Permissive?

In a two parent household, one parent often takes each role. They may believe they must parent the way they do to compensate for the other parent who is, in their view, either too harsh or too soft.

The answer is that neither works and to say “being in the middle” is not the answer. Either of these styles do not teach teens to be self-responsible.

Controlling parents believe that the best way is to get tough and that they know what’s best. They are often more critical, don’t trust or respect their teen, and have a high need to win.

Permissive parents avoid conflict at all costs and crave teens approval. They fear that if they draw a line with their teen they will lose the relationship. They may see themselves as powerless to affect their teen’s behavior and that they also do things for their teens that the teen should do for themselves. 

Either approach fosters low self-esteem in a teen.

The best approach is called mutual respect. In this way of relating within a family, neither teen or parent tries to:

• Be superior
• Seize power
• Punish
• Talk down to
• Win

Power and importance is not based on:

• Money
• Possessions
• Physical strength
• Mental intelligence
• Age
• Accomplishments
• Abilities

In other words, value or power does not come from what one has or how well one performs. Parents and teens have a different role to play, but all desire mutual respect and have equal value as people.