Anger
The process of adolescence is complex and unpredictable. The young person experiences physical changes that catapult their childish frame into that of an adult. The intellect intensifies to form logical patterns of thinking and begins to formulate future plans. The teen also struggles to form an identity separate from that of a child or a mature adult. Meanwhile, the teen is faced with issues of morality and must make critical decisions about sex, drugs, and other social behaviors.
Teens need psychological support and an important source of stability during this period of constant change. Good families try to provide stability.
Anger Comes Home
Almost comically, stability is both what teens need and what they do not want. The constant change leaves many teens worn out and fatigued. Surrounded by equally frazzled teens makes for a tumultuous state of mind.
Adolescence is conflict. Conflict within and conflict with others.
It is important to realize that conflict is normal, but it is not automatically good or bad. Conflict is a natural part of life since there are honest differences among people due to the fact that no two people possess needs, desires, plans, methods, views, values, personalities or actions that are exactly alike. If you are alive, you are going to come into conflict with others.
While fighting to define themselves amid the constant change, adolescents also feel an increase in autonomy. This increase in autonomy often creates conflict within the family system.
The Cost of Turmoil
Teens, families, friendships and all kinds of relationships suffer because of the lack of peaceful conflict resolution skills. Conflicts arise, those involved feel hurt, disappointed, afraid or frustrated, and it quickly turns into anger. Anger often erupts in retaliation or brutal honesty. Alienation increases, relationships are broken, and scars are formed.
Day after day, unresolved anger builds. Poor communication habits repeat themselves. People are hurt, walls are formed, and we all feel a little more alone.
How Can You Help a Teen With Unresolved Anger?
Model a healthy definition of anger – A healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what has prevented our needs from being met or has blocked our goals.
Model a healthy expression of anger – Healthy anger is not intended to punish or justify violence; nor is it meant to intimidate, control or manipulate.
Typically we tend to either fight back or give-in. Instead of fighting back avoid taking “the bait” if they try to draw you into a fight. Resist the temptation to retaliate.
Sometimes it’s better to withdraw from the conflict. Allow tempers to cool. When you resume the conversation focus on the issue at hand. Rather than reinforcing through conflict that power is what they need, find ways for them to use their power cooperatively.
Model the healthy method to assess a healthy response to anger – Anger is a feeling expressing the desire for power. The angry person believes their value comes from challenging authority. Therefore your responsibility as their healthy, helpful role model includes:
1. Figure out their goal for misbehavior
2. Decide how they want you to respond
3. Avoid that response—break the pattern—do not let it work
Look for Ways to Encourage Your Teen
Believe in them.
Start with “I believe you will succeed.”
Communicate you believe they are capable.
Honor individuality.
Do not compare.
Show enthusiasm for different interests of different teens.
Recognize effort and improvement.
Any movement – not just reaching final goal. Each step is progress.
As they make steps of progress, don’t immediately raise the bar.
Look for positives—focus on strengths.
Finding fault is our number one national pastime.
It is not the presence of negatives that cause people to fail, it is the absence of positives.
Scan the report card for the highest grade and start there with positive comments.
Look for the asset in what appears to be a liability.
Give attention to their character—who they are has greater value than what they achieve.
Accept mistakes—show grace.
Poor choices and mistakes can be great teachers.
Offer unconditional love. Trust can be conditional, love cannot.
Look happy to see them when they walk in the room.
Ask your teens what they are good at and do not put it down.
Resources
Mental Health Clinics often offer anger management counseling and classes. Contact a local mental health clinic near you or contact TreeHouse for help in finding counseling resources.
Books:
- Dinkmeyer, Don C., and Gary D. McKay. The Parent's Handbook : Systematic Training for Effective Parenting. New York: Random House, Incorporated, 1997.
- Positive Discipline for Teenagers by Jane Nelson & Lynn Lott, Prima Publishing, Rockland, CA, 1994.
- Samalin, Nancy. (1992). Love and Anger: The Parent Dilemma. Penguin.
- Walsh, David and Nat Bennett.(2004). Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to The Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen. Free Press.
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