Bullying

What Causes a Bullying Interaction?

It is important to realize that conflict is normal, but it is not automatically good or bad. Conflict is a natural part of life since there are honest differences among people due to the fact that no two people possess needs, desires, plans, methods, views, values, personalities or actions that are exactly alike. If you are alive, you are going to come into conflict with others.

Repeated conflict initiated by another is harassment. Bullying is the most common form of harassment that teens experience. Reducing bullying benefits everyone.

How Can You Help A Teen Victimized By Bullying?

Day after day, the bullying cycle repeats itself. People are hurt, walls are formed, and we all feel a little more alone. How can you help? Teach your teen some important truths.

You are worthwhile. Explain to them the value of protecting themselves. Many teens dismiss dealing with bullying for fear of retaliation by the bullies or for fear of rejection by on lookers.

You are responsible for your choices. Explain that when they are bullied that they should not retaliate. They should tell a trusted adult. Schools have made great strides in recent years to reduce bullying behaviors.

You are vulnerable. All private information can be made public when it’s electronic. Texts can be shared; pictures passed around; online posts can be edited. Teach your teen that what they do not want in the wrong hands they should not post or text.

You are empowered. If your teen is bullied through text messages or online they again should enlist the help of trusted adults. They should not delete the harassing messages. This is their proof. Their proof is part of their power. Repeated bullying can be reported to the police or the Internet Service Provider [ISP] as harassment.

Strategies to Help Teens Reduce Their Own Bullying Tendencies

From time to time, all of us harbor negative impressions of other people. This is due to the routine exposure we have to racism, discrimination, prejudice, bullying, and even hatred. Teens need a new set of interpersonal rules to unlearn bias and prejudice.

A respectful family will help reduce bullying by establishing and following respectful rules.
These rules must speak with clarity about dignity, respect, compassion, and love. Jerry Diller identifies a number of such rules in Cultural Diversity:
 
1. No name-calling, labeling, or blaming of others and self.
2. Treat any and all personal disclosures with sensitivity, respect, and confidentiality.
3. Speak in the first person about your own experiences by using "I" talk.
4. Agree to disagree by allowing freedom of opinions, beliefs, values, and thoughts.

If your teen bullies others the most effective strategy caregivers can employ is to establish strict consequences and stick to them.

Bullies and their victims typically struggle with self-acceptance. Their fears of punishment and rejection often preoccupy them. Self-worth can be fragile when it is built upon the acceptance of peers. Studies have shown caring homes build stronger teens.

Strategies for Helping Teens Feel More Accepted

Tell the truth—always. An honest caregiver contributes to an honest teen.

Claim your own biases and prejudices. We are entitled to our own opinions. Remember to clarify that they are opinions, not truths.

Apologize when an apology is due. Intentionally or unintentionally disappointing or hurting others calls for an apology.
 
Run your life not theirs. Explain how you will live your life, not their life.
 
Allow failure. The role of a caregiver is to prepare a child for life. Failure is often one of the best teachers.
 
Be humble. Appreciate the relationship you do have with your teen. Pinning your hopes on an idealized relationship ruins the here and now.

Resources

Book:

• Diller, Jerry V. (1999). Cultural Diversity. A Primer for the Human Services. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing Company.

Websites:

• Bullying.org  A website dedicated to educating, supporting, resolving, and eliminating bullying.
• Stop Bullying Now!  A federal government initiative to stop bullying. Resources for teens and parents.
• Pacer Center  Although geared for children with disabilities, the Pacer Center, a Minnesota organization, has some great informative handouts that are applicable to all teens (such as “Is Your Child Being Bullied in Cyberspace”).