My Teen Won’t Talk to Me

Teens avoid talking to their parents for many reasons. They may be hiding something. They may be tired and not want to have a discussion. They may be worried that if they express how they feel or what they enjoy, they will be criticized or corrected.

Teens need their own space, however never or rarely communicating with parents is a problem. Forcing them to talk most often causes resentment and does not accomplish what you desire. When parents ask for an answer and a teen says, “I don’t know,” most often what they are really saying is “I don’t want to tell you.” 

Most often teens who don’t talk to their parents (except when they need something) stay away because they don’t feel emotionally safe to express their beliefs, opinions, and emotions. This is because when parents ask for their opinion, it is evaluated and judged to be flawed. 

When a parent asked “Why?” they often respond to what their teen says by adjusting or criticizing. A better motive behind asking why is because I want to understand, not evaluate and adjust or criticize.  When teens know your motive is to understand them, and not be criticized, they will feel it is safe enough to talk with you. 

People share deeply where they feel safe.

Here are a few other ideas to encourage your teen to talk with you more:

1.    Look happy to see them whenever they walk in the room.

2.    Be willing to talk on their schedule, not just when you want to talk. 

3.    Ask questions that begin with words like how, where, or what, and cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. 

4.    Non-verbals speak louder than your words. Do you look preoccupied, rushed, angry, or annoyed vs. engaged, warm, listening, and accepting of who they are? 

5.    Don’t start sentences with the word “You” as what follows will be judgement and blame, especially if “you” is followed by “should.” Rather, start sentences with “I feel…(sad, scared, happy, frustrated, etc.)” when responding to their actions.

6.    People don’t care what we know until they know that we care.

7.    Seek first to understand, then to be understood.