Power Struggles

Power struggles between teens and parents are normal. They can happen passively or actively. The goal of both parent and teen is to win. Power struggles happen for many reasons. It could be part of a teen’s quest for autonomy, a reaction to their parent blocking a goal they have, the teen and parent valuing different things, or that the teen believes their value comes from being right, or winning. 

What to Do

1. Cool Off If Need Be.  When in a power struggle, emotion makes matters worse rather than better. If emotions continue to intensify, end the discussion for the time being, and reschedule another time to discuss.

2. Seek Constructive Resolution.  Remember that the goal in a power struggle is not to win but to reach a constructive resolution. Unresolved win/lose situations will become lose/lose situations.

3. Listen.  Even if a parent thinks they know where their teen is coming from, or know they don’t agree, it is important to listen. A teen will continue to battle if they believe that they have not been heard. 

4. Validate.  Beyond listening, parents can also validate the reasons vehind what the teen wants. Validation does not mean agreement. It can show we listened and understand where they are coming from. 

5. Give Choices.  Parents may not be able to grant what a teen wants, but there may be another acceptable alternative in getting them at least part of what they want. Teens dig their heels in deeper if they believe they have no choice.

6. Maintain the Relationship.  Winning at the expense of damaging the relationship is losing. Work at maintaining a relationship with your teen, even when you can’t give them what they want. Much of this happens in the “how” of the interaction, not in the “what.”