My Teen Seems So Discouraged, How Can I Help?

Pressures on teens to succeed today are intense. From school, to friendship, to success at sports, or even to meet their parents’ expectations at home, many give up, or stop trying.

Others become depressed or pursue unhealthy ways to cope. If their discouragement continues, some will attempt suicide.

For each of them, home needs to be a place of refuge.

The first step toward helping your discouraged teen may be to ask them if they live in an encouraging, or discouraging atmosphere at home. Parents are often surprised at their response, as it is often far less encouraging than they believed it to be. We all know how much harder we will work for a boss who is encouraging us versus one who micro-manages and is critical. So start by learning ways you may be unintentionally, or intentionally adding to your teens’ discouragement.

Here are a few things that will help encourage your teen.

1.    Demonstrate unconditional love. Communicate that your love and their value has nothing to do with how well they perform. Separate the deed from the doer.
2.    Look happy to see them whenever they enter the room.
3.    Start with, “I believe you will succeed, or I believe you are capable of figuring it out” rather than “You will probably have a difficult time or fail."  Knowing you believe in them will go a long way, especially if they don’t believe in themselves.
4.    Honor individuality. Don’t compare. Show enthusiasm for interests they have, even if they are outside the norm, or are things you don’t value.
5.    Recognize effort and improvement. Any improvement. Many get acknowledgment when they reach the goal. However they may never get there if they become discouraged half way through and quit.
6.    Look for positives. Focus on strengths. Because of fear, parents often focus on the problems or negatives which they believe need to be corrected. Instead, start with what’s going well. When they bring home a report card don’t scan down until you see the “D” and ask “What’s with this D? You know D’s aren’t acceptable."  Rather, scan past the low grades and start by acknowledging the higher grade.  Then address the lower grade. Research done by the Search Institute has shown that it’s not the presence of negatives that cause people to fail. It’s the absence of positives.
7.    Give attention to who they are over what they accomplish. It is greater importance if they are kind, generous, loving, insightful, etc., than that they scored the winning goal. 
8.    Be specific (not general) with the positive feedback you give them. “You are such a thoughtful person” is vague. “I often think of the birthday card you made for me & I feel happy” is specific.
9.    Accept mistakes – show grace. Poor choices and mistakes can be great teachers.
10.    Ask for their opinions and suggestions. There are things, possibly in the area of technology, which they know more than you.
11.    Seek first to understand, than to be understood. Validate their feelings, thoughts, or actions as being understandable to you given the situation they are in.  You may not agree with the choices they made, but they do have reasons for their behavior that make sense to them. Although getting high is not okay, you can validate their feelings of being alone, or laughed at while at a party where everyone else was using drugs. Or you can express understanding of their intense pain which drew them to get high to cope, even though using is never a good option and consequences may follow. 

As it was stated in the beginning, living in an encouraging atmosphere at home has great power in a teen’s life. With very discouraged teens it may be hard to find even one thing to encourage. But knowing you believe in them is a good place to start. 

Many discouraged teens find hope and help each week at TreeHouse. You may also connect them with a therapist if the discouragement does not lift, or they become suicidal.